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Check out the DVD section of last months issue
to read part one of
Final Destination - 3 (Still The Most Final Destination)
And now Part Deux.
Final Destination – 3 (Still The Most
Final Destination)
We
now return you to your regularly scheduled program already in
progress...
When
we last saw our friends Creepy Girl and Prick they had just stormed into
the gym, brimming with prepared speeches on daguerreotypes of Abraham
Lincoln and etchings of Hitler or some such historical clap-trap only to
discover that all that book learning can't stop hundreds of pounds of
weights from popping a jocks head like a large, brain-filled pimple. We
rejoin our heroes as they wallow in their own suckiness.
Richard: (responding to the Prick saying that there's nothing that he
can do) You can do her.
Jeanne:
But then you'll find out in the final picture that that's how he's going
to die. He'll get a terrible, raging case of crabs.
Once
the Creepy Girl and Prick are finished moping and have passed the time
when they could have comforted each other sexually they leave and head
for the anti-social couple, “the next” on death's hit list.
The
next scene shows McKinley and his girlfriend working after-hours at what
looks to be a Home Depot-esque store. McKinley has his nails painted
which must mean that he's a serious artist. He's messing around with a
ridiculously large nail gun. Hilarity must follow. He's been given the
task of getting rid of pigeons in the warehouse. I'm going to assume
that the pigeons are mutated and gigantic, rabid, undead pigeons because
he's planning on combating them with a giant fucking nail gun. What
happened to getting a broom and saying, "Shoo?"
Jeanne:
He's gonna shoot them with a giant nail gun?! (Flabbergasted at the
thought of harmless little pigeons being attacked by this wicked boy
with a big gun) Is that like...did he...Is that his... That's not
like something that the company issued. (You'd think she'd be
focusing her compassion on the human being's in this film but, no, it's
obvious that Jeanne is actually a giant pigeon in a skin suit.)
As
McKinley takes aim at the sad little pigeon eyes we're given a choice!
Should he take a kill shot or a warning shot. I bet we all know what
PETA Jeanne is going to say.
Jeanne:
Kill Shot! (What the fuck!? Where did the pigeon compassion go?
Crazy, bloodthirsty freak!)
Richard: Warning Shot!
Jeanne:
Warning Shot?
Richard: Warning Shot!
Chris:
(As time passes with no answer) Uh Oh!
Jeanne:
Quick! Quick!
Chris' girlfriend bias rears its ugly head again and he chooses kill
shot. They're like Bonnie and Clyde…drunk on power and the needless
slaughter of small birds (with the exception of Chris' bird, Hamilton,
'cause he's part of the family).
Richard: Pigeons are people, too.
Jeanne:
Chris said kill shot. (Referring to McKinley) He looks like the
kind of guy who would go for a kill shot. (I think it's the nail
polish. It's the same way that I knew that Carson Daly was capable of
horribly disfiguring Tara Reid and then forcing her to blame it on
botched plastic surgery. I could tell by the one black nail.)
McKinley fires a kill shot and hits one of the birds which thuds to the
floor while the others fly away...but the real question is, will they be
back for revenge?!. The scene shifts to his girlfriend as she bitches
about annoying customers who can never return merchandise to where they
found it.
Richard: (In retail solidarity) Damn Straight!
As
she's working she's suddenly scared shitless by a loud banging behind
her but it turns out to just be Kevin, the prick, and Wendy, the creepy
girl. Back for more failed attempts at keeping people they don't really
care about alive. Our crappy heroes begin to explain to the girlfriend
the tragic situation that they are all in. If anyone would believe them
it would have to be the anti-social Goth couple, right? They're supposed
to be all about death and the devil and stuff. I mean, Ali Larter was a
Goth and she not only believed the whole story but she even found it
pretty sexy. Unfortunately, these two are part of that highbrow,
intellectual Goth group that reads Bukowski and Nietzsche and will
probably play out a scenario more like Heathers than Lost
Souls. Cynical Bastards! Quick note: Do Not Watch Lost Souls.
The
girlfriend radios to McKinley that he should come join them on the floor
because the creepy girl and prick are laying on one funny story. He
heads out and they all begin to study the photograph of McKinley and his
girlfriend together with the prick, the creepy girl adamantly trying to
convince them that it has a deep meaning on the outcome of their lives.
The picture is of McKinley and his girlfriend standing in front of a
carnival shooting game. McKinley is holding one of the guns from the
game. The gun points slightly towards his girlfriend. They are standing
under the little flag decorations that go over the top of the booth.
They're those triangular little flags, hanging with point end down over
their heads. I see many, many sinister possibilities in this. My guess:
They'll be viciously murdered by a deranged former carnival worker;
perhaps the bearded lady. She looks pretty butch. I bet she could take
them.
Jeanne:
He's gonna shoot her with the nail gun. (I still like my guess
better. This is way too obvious and not nearly absurd enough.)
Suddenly the lights go out. There's a fearful look on the faces of the
creepy girl and the prick...until McKinley switches the lights back on
and starts making fun of them. What'd I tell you about those highbrow
Goths? They need to stop reading Thomas Hobbes and pick up a copy of
The Da Vinci Code. The creepy girl and the prick are unfazed. They
begin to ask them if they remember who was sitting behind them on the
ride. They still haven't figured out who the mystery person in the
hoodie was in that photograph and they'll need to know soon so as to
almost, but not entirely, save their lives. As the prick begins a
long-winded monologue as to why the Goths need to button up and fly
right the creepy girl begins one of her long meaningful stare sessions.
The gang tries to unravel the mysteries behind what she's focusing on.
By the end I think we all agree that she's probably just high.
Richard: Chimes?
Jeanne:
Chimes of death? Fans of death?
Richard: Ribbons of death?
The
debate over whether or not death is stalking them continues. Seriously,
just grab these two Goth jack-asses and make them watch the first
Final Destination already. I bet you'd be halfway through it by now
and maybe after seeing Ali Larter accept the premise they'd realize that
they must follow suit. McKinley is going on and on with an
existentialist rant about death simply being the end of biological
functioning and, therefore, not a guy with a scythe who's will is
following them around like an invisible puppy with the plague. As
McKinley makes fun of their logic with Butterfly Effect sounding
examples we see that on the mail floor a big forklift has shifted into
gear and begun rolling along the floor. I sense imminent doom.
Chris:
(ahhh...the romantic) But they're such a good couple!
It
runs through displays and finally hits the wall on the opposite side of
where everyone is blowing a lot of hot air. No one hears the sound of a
forklift careening through walls and displays on the floor because
McKinley has started cutting up pieces of wood in the back where
everyone is.
Richard: What's gonna happen?
Jeanne:
Maybe we can decide. We changed things 'cause now there's a dead bird
and there wouldn't have been before.
Richard: (referring to the crazy loud commotion that the forklift is
making as it demolishes the floor on its way to where it will be
involved in a series of unfortunate events) No one hears this?
Chris:
Why is he cutting...?
Jeanne:
...boards in the middle of the night? I have no idea.
Chris:
That's so ridiculous.
We
see that on the other side of this are large pieces of wood with pointed
tops like fence slats. I would even venture to say that they resemble
the flags in the picture of McKinley and his girlfriend from grad night.
Not so highbrow now are you Mr. Christian-Slater-from-Heathers-wannabe!?
The forklift knocks loose the wooden slats while McKinley and everyone
are talking. Wendy manages to knock him out of the way, intervening and
saving his life. However, a falling wooden slat hits a bag of sawdust
and the dust hits McKinley's girlfriend in the face. She stumbles
backwards, falls and slides back until her head hits a shelf where
McKinley's nail gun is sitting. When his girlfriend hits her head
against the nozzle it begins to fire nails into the back of her head.
Maybe if he didn't need to use such an overcompensating large nail gun
she would have ended up with just a lobotomy rather then death but no,
she totally dies. And it looks way gruesome, with nails sticking out of
her face and even pinning her hand in front of the side of her face in
the same position that she was in the photograph. Are you still cynical
now, McKinley!?! Ha!
Richard: (As the girlfriend lands on the nail gun) Oh! My god!
Jeanne:
Jesus.
Chris:
Yikes.
Richard: (laughing) That's so fucked up.
Chris:
Is she dead yet?
Richard: She's dead and she's giving the finger.
Jeanne:
She's actually not.... she’s still moving though.
McKinley, the Romeo to her Juliet, freaks the fuck out and starts with
the heartbroken wailing.
The
next scene shows the creepy girl and the prick leaving the police
station and bitching about the harsh interrogation. They were held for
10 hours. The creepy girl told the truth, a direct contribution to the
10-hour interrogation. They were probably just trying to get them to
admit that they were on drugs or something.
Chris:
(referring to McKinley) Wait, what about the dude?
Richard: He got skipped.
As
the creepy girl and the prick talk he realizes that he must be next on
death’s death list. He tells her to go back home and study the pictures
in the hopes that she’ll understand that pink cotton candy means death
by rabid midget and blue cotton candy means being crushed by a falling
boulder. In my opinion, they need to give up on the pictures already.
They’re lame. As they’re starting to realize that, in a crazy way, the
horrifying deaths of their friends and acquaintances has made them
realize that they really care about each other a police car pulls up and
ruins the mood. I’m relieved; the last thing I want is for these two
characters to suddenly become multi-faceted because then I might be a
little sad when they’re eventually maimed and killed. Anyway, who should
step out of the cop car but our good friend Frankie Cheeks. He’s one of
the few that these two clever kids managed to save and I like to think
that we deserve all of the credit for that because we told her to honk
the horn again and that must have been deeply meaningful. Of course,
he’s cuffed and yelling to them to get him a lawyer and to find out if
it’s illegal to impersonate a slut. Ah, Mr. Cheeks, you have such a good
soul. And, as though the DVD can read our shamed expressions, the
question pops up, “Was Frankie worth saving?” In unison, we all agree
that he wasn’t. The world has enough nasty perverts. Just take a ride on
the subway.
In
the next scene Wendy, the creepy girl, is home and looking through the
pictures for clues. Suddenly, she notices the bracelet sitting on her
desk. The bracelet that belongs to her sister, the one they’d fought
about earlier.
Jeanne:
I bet now she’s gonna see the bracelet in the picture.
She
then looks up at the picture of the mysterious rollercoaster passenger
in the hoodie and sees that the person in the picture is wearing that
same bracelet! Oh, No! It looks like death is your typical man,
fantasizing about taking two sisters on at the same time.
Jeanne:
What’d I tell you? I wrote this!
Richard: High Five, Jeanne!
They
lamely attempt a high five.
Chris:
That wasn’t really a high five.
Richard: You know what..?!
Silence. I guess we’ll never know.
Richard: Chris, Jeanne’s flicking me.
Laughter erupts because Richard just switched Chris and Jeanne’s names
and for this he will be flicked oh so much more, and by both of them.
Richard: I mean, Jeanne, Chris is flicking me!
Chris:
(While flicking Richard even more) Jeanne, don’t flick Chris!
Okay, these two boys are officially retarded. In a minute they’re going
to start calling me Sally and trying to eat the table legs. I think they
must have been eating lead paint chips again.
Jeanne:
Chris? Do you guys know who you are!?! We haven’t even been drinking.
Richard: (to Jeanne) Lily?
Jeanne:
I’m not Lily! You’re Lily!
Richard: Mama? Colin?
Wendy calls the prick, franticly trying to explain that her sister and
her friends must be the people that they couldn’t make out in the
pictures. She tells him that she knows that they’re going to the
Tri-centennial event. The prick explains that he’s already there. He’s
working security. This only adds to his lameness. He’s working security
at a fucking picnic. Anyway, he goes on to tell the creepy girl that he
thinks that now is that crucial moment when she should look at their
pictures because, after her sister, the two of them are next. I’m sure
that in the 5 minutes that they’ve got left she’ll totally be able to
break the picture code and decipher exactly what’s going to go down
‘cause, as we can see with her amazing track record, she’ll get this in
a snap.
Her
picture is very simple. A straight shot of her with no discernable
background…BUT she’s wearing a McKinley high T-shirt. McKinley, not just
their high school but also the crazy, Romeo, heart-broken Goth.
Richard: (with a very astute observation for a guy who doesn’t know
the names of the people he’s sitting next to) Oh, he’s gonna kill
her.
His
picture is a close up where the flash snapped right next to his face.
It’s distorted, out of focus and over-exposed.
Richard: Fireworks.
Jeanne:
Maybe he should get away from the fireworks.
Jeanne: Maybe he’s gonna fight them like, “I’m not afraid of fireworks!
I’ll show you what I’m made of.”
As
he tries to find the creepy girl’s sister, the camera moves rapidly
around the tri-centennial and we see many, many fiery implements and
dangerous objects that could be used to hilarious effect.
Chris: Wow. There are a lot of things that could explode in his face.
Jeanne:
Like muskets.
Richard: (laughing like a deranged person) Muskets!
Jeanne:
You’re retarded.
Richard: Muskets.
Jeanne:
You’re funny.
Richard: I don’t know why “muskets” is basically like saying, “cock.”
As
the prick walks around he sees a Ben Franklin impersonator talking to
some kids. He has a kite in the air with a key on the end and says, “Now
let’s just hope for some lightning.” To this, the prick responds, “Fuck
you, Ben Franklin.”
Richard: Oh, Snap! That’s my favorite line from the movie. “Fuck you,
Ben Franklin.” This movie is way better than Crash.
The
prick spots the creepy girl’s sister and runs over to her. Of course,
the creepy girl’s sister is a huge bitch so she won’t go quietly. While
the prick is trying to convince Julie to leave the park we see a horse
being fed some carrots.
Jeanne:
Death by carrots.
Richard: Carrots are dangerous. No, no…that’s spinach.
Jeanne:
Carrot juice, though, had botulism in Canada and paralyzed two people.
Richard: Carrot juice?
Jeanne:
Yeah, carrot juice…people who’d drunk carrot juice. It was contaminated
with Botulism Toxin.
Richard: Wow. I’m kind of worried about Thanksgiving now. (Lily
bastes the Thanksgiving turkey with carrot juice…tasty, deadly carrot
juice.)
Jeanne:
That’s the last turkey that you’ll ever have.
Some
kids come by and scare the horse, causing it to buck and run. A long
rope with a stake that’s dragging behind the running horse wraps around
the creepy sister’s neck and she is yanked down and dragged behind the
horse. Wendy arrives at the park just in time to maybe watch her
sister die. They didn’t like each other much anyway. As she, the prick,
and the police chase after the horse and the dragging sister, the horse
jumps a hay bailer and is dragging the sister right into its spikes when
the prick saves the day by running over with a sword he grabbed from one
of those weirdo’s who dresses up like a soldier from a war that already
happened. The sister has now been saved but it’s not over yet. Wendy and
Kevin begin to yell at her to tell them who was sitting next to her in
the rollercoaster. Before she can answer her friend, who is crouching
over the creepy girl’s sister realizes that she was sitting next to her
and that means that she’s the next to die. She suddenly stands up and as
she does the horse, which had been tied to a nearby flagpole, bolts
again. The flagpole breaks and goes flying. The like 6 foot long
flagpole spears the friend through the back, killing her. That sucks.
Jeanne:
(Answering for the sister) That dead girl was sitting next to me.
With
the friend dead it’s now crunch time. Wendy and the prick are the only
two left on death’s hit list. Although, honestly, if they had watched
the first two films they would know that this shit is just going to
circle back around over and over again until it kills you so just
fucking OD on your newfound heroin addiction or something! That way, at
least, you won’t end up smelling like frying bacon in a tanning bed.
Since the horse apparently is the first soldier in the coming horse
revolution he can’t sit still without trying to kill another human being
so he kicks Kevin, the prick, in the chest. He goes flying backward into
a food stall. This is going to sound ridiculous but when he lands, the
force sends a shish kabob stick into the gas line of the propane grill
and the gas catches fire and explodes in his face. Dude, it’s like the
picture. I get it. Anyway, Wendy pulls him away just in time.
Richard: Oh my god, his beautiful face!
Jeanne and Chris laugh.
Jeanne:
I’ll never be pretty again.
We’re now on to the heart and soul of the movie, Wendy. Will she die?
Will she live? Will they decipher the picture in time? The answers are
all kind of yes. As Wendy and Kevin get up out of the rubble of the
exploded food shack they see McKinley walking over. He looks way
disgruntled. He blames her for the death of his girlfriend and, even
though death is totally already stalking her he decides to get in the
middle. I guess no one bothered to tell him that once Wendy dies or is
saved death will circle back to him (For some reason ignore the fact
that Frankie Cheeks lives. I guess even death doesn’t want to touch his
dirty ass).
During McKinley’s speech, a fireworks stand is rocking back and forth
behind Wendy. It finally tumbles over and a bunch of fireworks go
shooting out of it horizontally and head for Wendy and the other
survivors. Somehow, Wendy manages to get out of the way of what would
have been her death (if the fireworks would have hit her they would have
sent her flying into a cherry picker that’s parked behind the Goth
McKinley and on the cherry picker is the McKinley High School name so I
guess that’s the tie in with the shirt. Lame.). McKinley gets all hopped
up on invincible feelings when the fireworks all miss him. He starts
shouting that he’s not going to die. Seriously, people, if you’d
educated yourselves by watching the first two movies then you would know
that the only way to avert death forever is with a padded room and a
pair of footy pajamas…socks could come to life and strangle you, trust
me on the footy pajamas. So since death has now just skipped Wendy it’s
coming back around to Ian. The arm of the cherry picker suddenly falls
down right over him. Just before he is sure to be splattered all over
the unsuspecting war re-creationists we’re given a choice! Choices rock.
We must choose whether he jumps left or right. Raise your hand if you
think this will make any difference? Okay, now look at the people who
have raised their hands…and fucking punch them in the face. We choose
right. Funny enough, he ends up not really crushed by the cherry picker.
Now hit those people who thought they could make a difference again.
Richard: (laughing) It doesn’t matter.
Jeanne:
He didn’t jump either way.
Richard: Because it doesn’t matter.
Jeanne:
But we told him to jump right.
The
remaining survivors, Wendy, Kevin, and her sister, get up and get the
fuck out of the park. I never knew war re-creations could be so
gruesome…well, except The Battle of Shaker Heights. That was
pretty gruesome, too.
Slow, sad music starts to fill the background and the camera pans away.
Chris: (Upset that death would end the movie with so much unfinished
business) No, we’ve seen the other movies. It’s not over.
Richard: (Always the optimist) Maybe this one is different
because it’s the end of the “Thrillogy.”
Chris:
(The cynic) Oh, they’re gonna make another one.
A
flash suddenly lights up the screen.
Richard: Death just took a picture!
Jeanne:
Of us!
Chris:
That better not be the fucking end of the movie!
And
of course that’s not the end of the movie. This is not a blue balls kind
of movie. They’re not going to promise you that death will kill them all
and then let death get away with just killing some of them. Oh no, my
friend, death in this movie is no tease. He delivers like a celebrity
without underwear.
5
Months Later - New York
Wendy is standing on a subway platform.
Richard: You know what’s freaky…isn’t that one of our train stations? It
took a picture of us. Is that 7th Ave? ‘Cause this could be
telling our death.
Jeanne:
That’s not funny. Maybe it’s not. I’m sure there are other 7th
Avenues. See, it’s like a second later and it shows them on Booth
Street. And they don’t have trains like that anymore.
Wendy has boarded the train with her friends and they begin to discuss
where they’re going for dinner. We’re suddenly given a choice. Should
Wendy look at the subway map to check and see which stop they’ll be
getting off at? We all agree that maps are awesome and should be admired
whenever possible so we say yes. This doesn’t seem to make any
difference. Wendy starts to look at the subway ads and she sees ads from
the tanning salon where the skanks died, the burger place where Frankie
Cheeks almost died, and the Home Depot-like store where Erin died.
Coincidence? I think not! She resolves to get off the train at the next
stop ‘cause this is surely a premonition of death. The camera shows us
the platform of the station that the train is pulling into. Some big,
painted up, football fans are waiting for they train. One tosses a candy
bar down onto the platform. It then falls onto the tracks where a rat
grabs it and tries to drag it away but hits an electrical wire and is
fried instantly. This also manages to cause a track malfunction. Damn. I
see a lot of rats in the subway. I didn’t know that I had more to fear
from them than the Black Death.
Randomly, a newspaper flashes by the screen with an article regarding
the two survivors from Final Destination 2. We’re given the
option to read the whole article and we do. Apparently, the hot cop and
the chick, who had the premonition, ran into each other at a convenience
store by coincidence. While they’re in the store a car parked nearby
rolls down the hill and crashed into the front of the store. They both
ran out of the back to escape but, unfortunately, they ran into a
wood-chipper that was in the back waiting for repairs on a
malfunctioning safety guard. Yikes. That fucking sucks. And I bet it was
way messy.
As
the train opens its doors at the next station and Wendy prepares to get
out of the train car with her friends she finds herself face to face
with her sister. She’s so surprised that she keeps talking to her even
while the doors close them into their little metal carriage of death.
Richard: Who’s that?
Jeanne:
Her sister.
Chris:
Uh oh!
Jeanne:
Remember your sister was gonna die. Maybe you shouldn’t be so excited.
As
Wendy begins to tell her sister that she was beginning to get the
prophesying death feeling again we see that the train has gone onto the
wrong tracks due to the rat malfunction.
Richard: Tomorrow’s train ride is going to be fun.
Wendy brings her sister over to meet her two friends. As she walks over
to them she sees that Kevin is sitting at the far end of the train car.
Dude, you are so fucked. Death has so punk’d you all.
Jeanne:
Death is gonna get you all out in one nice hit.
Wendy walks up to Kevin and skips all the formality of hi’s and how are
you’s. She starts yelling questions at him. “What are you doing here?
How long have you been on this train?” Dude, you could say, “Hi.” This
is the last time you’ll get the chance to say it to anyone. As Wendy is
staring Kevin down, the train suddenly jerks off the tracks. Everyone is
being thrown around the car as it smashes into the sides of the subway
tunnel. The carriage tears in half as it begins to lurch sideways. The
three survivors are in the front of the car together when it tears
completely loose from the back. Wendy’s sister is holding on
precariously close to the edge when a tire from the bottom of the train
flies up and sends her smashing through one of the subway doors. It’s
all very gory. Shortly after, Kevin is pitched against a window along
the side of the train when it suddenly starts sliding vertically down
the tunnel. The window explodes and he’s sucked out of it and smeared
along the tunnel wall. Now only Wendy is left. She’s thrown from the
train as it topples over and crashes to a halt. She comes to on the
tracks not far from the train. Bodies are all around her. Her leg is
broken but she’s still alive.
Jeanne:
Now, is she gonna get hit by a train?
She’s sitting on a set of tracks. She tries desperately to move her leg
but it’s stuck on the track. A train turns a corner and is barreling
down on her. She screams and suddenly we’re back in the train when Wendy
has just walked up to Kevin to confront him. Her sister and Kevin look
at her, realizing with horror that she’s just had a vision. But this
time it’s too late to get off. Kevin pulls the “Emergency Break” cord
but it breaks off without doing anything. I always knew that those
things were fake. They all panic, the screen goes black and we hear the
sounds of the train crashing and everyone screaming. It tapers off and
the music swells as “Love Train” begins.
Jeanne:
Well, I guess that’s the end.
”People
around the world…join hands…start a love train…a love train…” (Jeanne
sings along).
Jeanne:
These guys are fucked up.
Richard: I like the inappropriate uses of music.
Jeanne:
It is funny. I like that they just said fuck trying to be scary. That
it’s just over the top.
Richard: I liked it better than Crash.
Jeanne:
I thought it was really funny.
Richard: It was enjoyable.
You know, you’d think we were talking about fucking Nacho Libre
or something and not a movie where every character with any lines was
maimed and killed. And to think, we loves this but we all wouldn’t ever
watch something like Saw. I believe it’s because Saw never
has ironically appropriate music to lighten the mood during the dramatic
death scenes.
Now
that we’ve reached the end of our journey here today I’m sure that
you’re all wondering what would have happened had we chosen other
options during the film. Could lives have been saved? Doubtful, but to
assuage your curiosity we’re venturing back through the movie to redo
those moments and see if they would have made them worse (or better).
1)
The skanks in the tanning salon. We choose 76 degrees this time instead
of 73 degrees. Everything seems to be going the same. The blonde one
still doesn’t have her iPod. The owner still props the door open with a
tube of lube. They still strip and bounce around to “Love
Rollercoaster.” But then, with the temperature turned up even higher,
the brunette skank notices sooner that she’s cooking and gets out of the
tanning bed, but the CD shelf falls and smacks her in the head, knocking
her out, thus jamming down the blonde’s bed. The blonde skank is still
trapped and burning in the tanning bed. The brunette finally comes to
and immediately opens the blondes tanning bed to try and save her but as
she grabs her arm to pull her out the glass underneath the blonde
shatters and the electric current that courses up through her also
electrocutes the brunette. Hey, we did some good. The brunette is still
pretty. At least she’ll be able to go with an open casket.
2)
Frankie Cheeks at the drive-thru. We choose for Wendy not to honk again.
Since she doesn’t honk, Frankie never turns around and they don’t
realize that it’s him in front of them. When Kevin breaks the glass of
the front window for them to escape he doesn’t rescue Frankie as well.
The engine of the truck that smashes into the back of Kevin’s car goes
flying through it and ends up slicing the back of Frankie’s head to
little gory bits. Is it bad that I kind of think that this is better
than rescuing him? I mean, the guy’s a total pervert.
3)
Should Wendy take another look at the jocks photo before she and Kevin
go to speak with him? We choose no. Rather than dying before Wendy and
Kevin can barely get a word out they actually get to him in time to try
and convince him. However, it’s no use. While the jock is in a
testosterone frenzy the weights snap loose again and his head still
explodes in homage to Gallagher’s watermelons. This time we’re just
forced to watch a lot more mindless gym monkeys grunt beforehand.
4)
Kill shot or warning shot? This time we choose warning shot. There’s no
dead bird on the floor? It didn’t seem to be important in the original
scene but who knows. And it’s totally not important. Nothing really
seems to change here.
5)
Was Frankie Cheeks worth saving? We say no. I think it’s more like a
survey ‘cause there’s totally no impact.
6)\
Jump left or jump right? We choose left this time. Okay, so apologize to
those people that you hit because they said that it would make a
difference because it sort of does make a difference. Instead of being
totally crushed by the cherry picker he’s only partially crushed and the
rest of him is severed. We get to see his hand curl into giving the bird
as he dies.
7)
Should Wendy look at the map? Everything happens the same as before but
Wendy doesn’t awaken from her vision back in the subway train. Instead,
she seems to awaken from it while sitting on the tracks after the crash
with her leg broken. She’s just in time to see the train coming at her.
Sucks to be her.
The Saturday
Night Itinerant Brooklyn Gang is:
Jeanne Lopez, Cookie Monster
Rick Sayre, Pop-Culture Critic
Christopher Wilson, Vampire Hunter.
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